The Curios and Curious Case of Paraprosdokians

Mi'kail Eli'yah
24 min readApr 18, 2021

Paraprosdokians are funny and unexpected. Creativity is the hidden ingredient in the element of surprise. They are delightful to collect as part of the trove of any idea collector, which can be used as inspirational cues and shift paradigm steroids for creative work. In some cases, they contain wisdom and satire. In other times, they can be quite handy as a repartee or riposte.

Pavlov walks into a bar when the phone rings. He says, "Crap. I forgot to feed the dog." - Unknown
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. 20 people were trapped on the escalators. - UnknownIn school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. - UnknownSomeone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." - UnknownI took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. - UnknownYesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing. - UnknownI was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" - UnknownOne time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." - UnknownHard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. - UnknownMy theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. - UnknownMonday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. - UnknownBoycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! - UnknownMaking mistakes is not a problem; not catching those mistakes is where the trouble starts. — Ed BergerSome people exist as a consequence of their actions, others take action towards their consequences. - UnknownAlways swim or dive with a friend. It reduces your chance of shark attack by 50%. - UnknownIt takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road. - UnknownHow do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? - UnknownI'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. - UnknownI spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - UnknownLight travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. — UnknownAny man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. - EinsteinHospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were. — UnknownBehind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. - UnknownI always thought it was polite to open the door for a lady, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane… - UnknownBeing smart is knowing how to get out of a tough situation. Being wise is not getting into it in the first place. - UnknownWhen tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. - UnknownA bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. - UnknownI gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver. - AnonymousThere are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those that understand binary and those that don’t. - UnknownAt my age, having a great day is to wake up this morning, get out of bed, go to the bathroom - In that order! - UnknownA fine is a tax for doing bad, so a tax must be a fine for doing good. - UnknownThere is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.” — Peter DruckerThe trouble with half-truths is that people tend to believe the wrong half. — UnknownA diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. - UnknownI’m a heroine addict. I need to be with women who have saved someone’s life. - UnknownWe can repair what your husband fixed. - UnknownIt's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. - UnknownEat what you want and if someone lectures you about it, eat them too! - UnknownI try to watch what I eat and yet my eyes just aren’t quick enough. - UnknownIn ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this. - Terry PratchettEverything comes to those who wait… except a cat. - AndrettiPet spiders are cheaper to buy off the web. - UnknownDolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool. - UnknownTo steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. - UnknownTwo wrongs don’t make a right, 3 lefts do. - UnknownIf I agree with you, we will both be wrong. - AnonymousStrong emotions are stupid and should be hated. - UnknownMy therapist told me, "write letters to the people you hate and then burn them". Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters. - UnknownI was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it. - UnknownIf you see a man running from a tiger, run faster than he does—you can’t outrun the tiger and you don’t have to. - UnknownGive a lawyer a fire, he’ll be warm for a day. Set a lawyer on fire, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. - UnknownThe only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once. - EinsteinI don’t know why they told me I’m innumerate, it doesn’t add up. - UnknownI haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long. - Mitch HedbergExperts know more and more about less and less till they know absolutely everything about nothing. - UnknownWhen you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future. - Bernard MeltzerSome people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. - UnknownIf the enemy is in range, remember, so are you. - UnknownI can read minds, but I’m illiterate. - UnknownA bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. - UnknownTo be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. - UnknownIt’s easy to tell when a lawyer is lying as their lips move. - UnknownBroken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? - UnknownThe car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket. - UnknownIt is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt. - UnknownI shall be an autocrat, that’s my trade; and the good Lord will forgive me, that’s his. - Catherine the GreatIf you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says in an emergency, notify, I put “a doctor.” - Unknown
The saying “Getting there is half the fun” became obsolete with the advent of budget airlines. - UnknownThe voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! - UnknownHonesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. - George CarlinA contractor is a chap who steals your watch and charges for telling the time. - UnknownThis is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. - UnknownThe freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps. – Robert BenchleyGravity is a contributing factor in 73% of all accidents involving falling objects. – Dave BarryYou know nothing for sure...except the fact that you know nothing for sure. – John F. KennedyWe can always count on the Americans to do the right thing, after they have exhausted all the other possibilities. – Winston ChurchillPeople say I'm indecisive, but I don't know about that. – George H.W. Bush3 may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. – Benjamin FranklinI’m a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge. –Robin WilliamsAlways remember my grandfather’s last words: “A truck!” – Emo PhillipsI want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. - UnknownYou know what they say: you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he’ll die. – Golden GirlsThere are 3 kinds of people in the world – those who can count, and those who can’t. – UnknownStanding in the park today, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me. – Stewart FrancisYou are what you eat, which may contain nuts. - UnknownI removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious. - UnknownI ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming. - UnknownI used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure. - UnknownThe practice of mindfulness may show you what’s so, further enlightenment will show you, so what. - UnknownYou do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive the second time. - UnknownIf you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. - UnknownA broken pencil is pointless. - UnknownI’m great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. - UnknownI hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves. - UnknownChange is inevitable, except from a vending machine. - UnknownNo matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
Never leave till tomorrow what you can immediately forget. - Unknown
What turns around can go in circles. - UnknownI haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long. – Mitch HedbergIf you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer. – Friends (tv series)I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – The OfficeGentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the War Room! – Dr. StrangeloveHer lips said “No," but her eyes said “read my lips.” – FrasierShe thinks I’m too critical. That’s another fault of hers. – Arrested DevelopmentI have the heart of a small boy – in a glass jar on my desk. –Stephen KingThere is probably a tree somewhere out there now that is growing the wood for your coffin. - UnknownYour belly button is just your old mouth. - UnknownWhen we're young, we sneak out of our house to go to parties. When we're old, we sneak out of parties to go home. - UnknownSmart phones are probably responsible for reducing graffiti in public toilets. They will pee it on other people’s walls. - UnknownIf you run at 11 pm you are a night person. If you run at 5am you are a morning person. If you run at 3am you are a suspicious person. - UnknownIf you drive a new car, you are rich. If you drive an old car, you are poor. But if you drive a super old car, you are super rich. - Unknown[Rationality]
In the 1980s, A&W tried to compete with the Mcdonald's Quarter Pounder by selling a 1/3 pound burger at a lower cost. The product failed, because most customers thought the 1/4 pound was bigger. This is why I don't argue online. - Unknown
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it is empty. - Unknown[Ads]
Don’t get cheated elsewhere, come to us first. - Ad for sale
Dog for adoption. He eats anything, and he likes children. - Ad for pet adoption[Bank]
I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,'”but I don't have that much time. – Stephen Wright
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. — Robert FrostA bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it. - UnknownA bad banker quickly loses interest. - UnknownA banker will always lend you an umbrella on a sunny day. - Unknown[Money]
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. — Lana Turner
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. - UnknownI thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks. - UnknownWhere there’s a will, I want to be in it. - UnknownWhen I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is. – Oscar Wilde[Pedophobia]
I hope that someday you'll know the indescribable joy of having children and of paying someone else to raise them. – The Addams Family
I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade” - Demetri MartinIf you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? - UnknownChildren should be seen and not herded. - UnknownWhenever I have a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, as the bottle says. - UnknownAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller[Science]
Newton stayed up all night puzzling the movement of the sun. Then it dawned on him. - Unknown
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? - Unknown[Computers]
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. - Unknown
To err is human, to really mess up though, that takes a computer. - UnknownToday’s computers are so fast they can screw up a billion times a second. - UnknownTrick question. What is the most used tool by hackers?
Answer: End users. - Thomas McAteer
Atheism is always not for prophet. - Unknown
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. - UnknownAtheism is a non-prophet organization. — George Carlin[Social and Argument]
Your argument is sound, just sound, lots of sound. - Unknown
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant. - UnknownI’m missing you, but my aim is improving. - UnknownThe last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list. - UnknownMy days of not taking you seriously are coming to a middle. - UnknownAt the art of giving, he stops at nothing. - UnknownThat’s the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me. – SeinfeldHuman genius has its limits while human stupidity does not. - Alexandre DumasI would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence. - UnknownI was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. - UnknownThe most important social element in modern computer game development is probably still beer. - UnknownThe problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. - UnknownIt was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much. - Yogi BerraNone of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors.
The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married. - Ed Howe
I have a photographic memory. I just haven't developed it yet. - Henny Youngman
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. – Peter De Vries[Parenting]
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. –Rodney Dangerfield
If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents. - Marcelene CoxIt is common for babies to fall asleep and wake up in different locations all the time, but as an adult the idea of that happening is terrifying. - Unknown25 years ago seeing a toddler use technology was seen as a stroke of genius, today it is largely met with thoughts of a lack of parenting. - UnknownIf you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner ... I don't care how busy you are--find the time to microwave them. - Unknown[Happiness]
Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness. - Chuang Tzu
Remember, happiness is just a teardrop away... - Fairy Godmother, Shrek (movie, 2001)Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde[Life and Health]
It's 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to find out what's really going on. - Unknown
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. - UnknownTake my advice — I’m not using it. - UnknownBe careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - UnknownLaughter is the best medicine, if you don’t have insurance. - UnknownI tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim. - Frida KahloA lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. - UnknownIt is a terrible thing to see and have no vision. - Helen KellerBefore you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away and he won’t have any shoes. - UnknownA person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read. - UnknownReal knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance. - ConfuciusCourage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. - UnknownWhatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood. - Bill MurrayTo keep fit, my grandmother walks 5 miles a day. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is. - UnknownYou know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. - Bob Hope[Dating]
If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive. - Unknown
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type. - UnknownI miss my ex so often, I really need a laser sight. - UnknownI almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - UnknownThe last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood. - Unknown[Marriage]
The financial situation in the near term is expected to be so bad that women will start marrying for love! - Wall Street Journal
A successful marriage ends with watching the other person die. - UnknownMarriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those inside are desperate to come out. —UnknownThere are 3 rings for marriage - engagement ring, marriage ring, suffering. — UnknownHalf of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones. – Joan RiversHe taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa GaborMarriage to me brings out the best in a woman: chastity. - UnknownMarriage is a great institution, with strict institutionalization rules and very costly lesson fees. - UnknownMy wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. - Henny YoungmanMy wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. - Rodney DangerfieldA good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton BerleI bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her , "Where's the car?"
She replied, "In the lake." - Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny YoungmanAfter a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." - Unknown
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - UnknownI haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. - UnknownMy girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself 2 girlfriends. - UnknownA man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did. - UnknownMan is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. - UnknownA little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
- Unknown
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
- Unknown

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late. - Unknown
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received 100 letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
- Unknown
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied.
- Unknown
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
2nd marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Unknown
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. - Unknown

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. - Unknown
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. - UnknownMen who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - UnknownThe most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - UnknownNever criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you. - UnknownGeorge Malley: Will you love me for the rest of my life?
Lace Pennamin: No, I'll love you for the rest of mine.
- Phenomenon (movie, 1996)
My husband said he needs more space, so I locked him outside. - Roseanne BarrI haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney DangerfieldNo woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves. - Ed HoweBehind every successful man there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public. - Unknown
You’re never too old to learn something stupid. - UnknownSome people live and learn, others live but never learn. — I. Lee[Re-definitions] "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." - ShakespeareBanker: a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.Cannibal: someone who is fed up with people.Committee: a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.Economist: an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.Lawyer: a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief".Professor: one who talks in someone else's sleep.Psychologist: someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. - Ambrose BierceArchitecture: The art of how to waste space. - Philip JohnsonBusiness: The art of extracting money from another man's pocket without resorting to violence. - Max AmsterdamCelebrity: One who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know. - H.L. MenckenChristian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbors. - Ambrose BierceCommerce: A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. - Ambrose BierceConscience: The inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking. - H.L. MenckenCorporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. - Ambrose BierceCoward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. - Ambrose BierceCriminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. - Howard ScottCritic: One who boasts of being "hard to please" because nobody tries to please him. - Ambrose BierceDay: A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. - Ambrose BierceDepression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed about.- Anon.Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. - Ambrose BierceExperience: What causes a person to make new mistakes instead of the same old ones. - AnonymousFairy Tale: a horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.Expert: An ordinary man away from home giving advice. - Oscar WildeIdiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. - Ambrose BierceInventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. - Ambrose Bierce(1842-?1914) , The Devil's Dictionary, Dover Publications, NY, 1958, p 70.Kiss: A course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of conversation when words are superfluous. - Oliver HerfordMarriage: An institution which is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the minimum of opportunity. - George Bernard ShawNation: A society united by its ancestry and by common hatred of its neighbors. - W.R. IngeResponsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. - Ambrose BierceScience:An orderly arrangement of what at the moment appear to be facts. - AnonymousSex: The most fun you can have without laughing. - Anonymous, from Webster's Unafraid DictionaryStatistical Analysis: Mysterious, sometimes bizarre, manipulations performed upon the collected data of an experiment in order to obscure the fact that the results have no generalizable meaning for humanity. Commonly, computers are used, lending an additional aura of unreality to the proceedings. - AnonymousStatistician: A person who can draw a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion. - AnonymousPoliteness: The most acceptable hypocrisy. — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary, 1911[Mark Twain]
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. - Mark Twain
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. – Mark Twain[Phyllis Diller]
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives 40 miles away. - Phyllis Diller
My husband can't stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house – he can't stand the competition. – Phyllis DillerAny time 3 New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. - Phyllis Diller[Dorothy Parker]
Men do make passes at girls who wear glasses; it depends on their frames. — Dorothy Parker
He’s a writer for the ages…for the ages of 4 to 8. – Dorothy Parker[Spike Milligan]
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. - Spike Milligan[Ursa]
The theist often has a profitable god agenda, but his god needs him to clinch the dupe with you. - Ursa
Everyone has a photographic memory. It takes darkness to develop. - UrsaTruth will give you a maze with the illusion of setting you free after you got the escape working. - Ursa[Sarcasms]
A: Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
B: Because the British museum cannot move them.
- Unknown
Arthur Mendelson: You learn anything about proctology yet, Patch? Good, take care of this asshole for me, will ya? - Patch Adams (movie, 1998)The technological advance I wish I could get is an addition for my answering machine is a get-to-the-point button. - Alicia BrandtA sharp tongue and a dull mind are usually found in the same head. - AnonymousThere's a mighty big difference between good sound reasons, and reasons that sound good. - AnonymousReality is for people who can't handle their dreams. - UnknownA bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. - Jerry Seinfeld (1954 - )A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen. - Emily LotneyIf you drink like a fish, don't drive. Swim. - Joe E. LewisLet a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. - Pubilius SyrusLet us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. - Mark TwainWhen women go wrong, men go right after them. - Mae WestI don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage. - Noel CowardSee, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin WilliamsWomen need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy CrystalA cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. - H. L. MenckenThe surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. - Bill WattersonIf it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? - Robin WilliamsMarry for money, my little sonny, a rich man's joke is always funny. - Jewish ProverbsThe optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. - James Branch Cabell, from The Silver Stallion[Politics]
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.* — Anonymous
*This seems every bit like the moral principle of unbridled plunderers of our government coffers.
You can always count on governments to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else. - UnknownIt has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried. - UnknownI don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected. - Jon Stewart."""
A: Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'?
B: No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise...'
- Anonymous
If I agree with you, we will both be wrong. — Anonymous

Some witty quotes from ‘The Simpsons’.

Homer: "Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."Homer: "All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one"Bart: "What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it."Homer: "Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"Homer: "'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?"Bart: "There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson."Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50 and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called... "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down"Homer: Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.Homer: To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems.
Urban idiom : 在哪里跌倒, 就在哪里爬起来:
Where you fell, get back from there (understand your failure point and start from there).
Paraprosdokian : 在哪里跌倒, 就在哪里躺下来:
Where you fell, is where you start to 'lie flat' (躺平).
Urban idiom : 努力不一定成功,但不努力一定不会成功:
Success is not guaranteed by hard work, but all miss are the ones you do not take.
Paraprosdokian : 努力不一定成功,但不努力是一定会很轻松:
Success is not guaranteed by hard work, but if you don't relaxation is guaranteed.
Urban idiom : 只要是用钱能解决的事, 就不是问题:
If money can solve, it is not a real problem.
Paraprosdokian : 只要是用钱能解决的事, 我一点都解决不了:
If money can solve, I won't be able to solve.
Urban idiom : 你必须非常努力, 才能相信自己的能力:
You must be very hardworking and persistent to find out to believe in your own abilities.
Paraprosdokins : 你必须非常努力, 才能相信自己无能为力:
You must be very hardworking and persistent to find out to believe that - you are really actually very helpless.
Urban idiom : 好好活下去, 明天都有意义:
Live on well, tomorrow comes with new discovered hopes and meaning.
Paraprosdokian : 好好活下去, 明天都有新打击:
Live on well, tomorrow comes with new and innovative blows.
Urban idiom : 天下无难事,只怕有心人:
Nothing is difficult on this earth, if your mind is set (to persist).
Paraprosdokian : 天下无难事,只要肯放弃 -
Nothing is difficult on this earth, if you willing to give up (it will be considered as difficult).